April showers – Love Letters

 

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Does a one day of thunderous rain and heavy showers in April count for April showers? That was all we got in this part of the world.

I’m so excited writing out this months love letter partly because I missed March due to life being life. Apologies. Without further ado here’s my favourite letter this month by Boot!

Background story: Jennifer and Boot had a bad timing love. They met when Jennifer was unhappy and married. Had a brief affair (there was a lot of love letters involved) which ended due to timing. Fast forward to about 40 years later and they meet again. This time no marriage or weird timing.

Dearest Jennifer,

Are old men supposed to cry? I sit here reading and rereading the letter you sent, and I struggle to believe that my life has taken such an unexpected, joyous turn. Things like this are not meant to happen to us. I had learnt to feel gratitude for the most mundane gifts: my son, his children, a good life, if quietly lived. Survival. Oh, yes, always survival.

And now you. Your words, your emotions have induced a greed in me. Can we ask for so much? Do I dare see you again? The Fates have been so unforgiving, some part of me believes that we cannot meet. I’ll be felled by illness, hit by a bus, swallowed whole by the Thames’s first sea monster. (Yes, I still see life in headlines.)

The last two nights I have heard your words in my sleep. I hear your voice, and it makes me want to sing. I remember things I’d thought I’d forgotten. I smile at inopportune moments, frightening my family and sending them running for the dementia diagnosis.

The girl I saw last was so broken; to know that you made such a life for yourself has challenged my own view of the world. It must be a benevolent place. It has taken care of you and your daughter. You cannot imagine the joy that has given me. Vicariously. I cannot write more. So I venture, with trepidation: Postman’s Park. Thursday. Midday?

Your Boot X

See you next month

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February feels – Love Letters

With February being the season of love and all the mushy feelings covered in candy coated buttons and all of that. I decided to put myself on the sloppiness fairy and read “Love letters of great men and women” by Ursula Doyle which I thought fits nicely with my love letter series.

It was a tough one deciding my favourite letter for this month from the book, but I deided to go with the letter by Robert Browning to his wife Elizabeth Barrett (who’s a poet) on their wedding day. I particularly liked how their story started out. It was all through a fan letter email. I can imagine Robert sitting and writing a letter he never expected to get a reply from. But which he did! And he got married to Elizabeth *insert lovestruck emoticon*.

Hope you enjoy reading this letter and get all the rest of the lovey juice from the book if you manage to read it.

To Elizabeth Barrett on the morning of their wedding day,

12 September 1846

You will only expect a few words. What will those be? When the heart is full it may run over; but the real fullness stays within . . . Words can never tell you . . . how perfectly dear you are to me – perfectly dear to my heart and soul. I look back and in every one point, every word and gesture, every letter, every silence – you have been entirely perfect to me –I would not change one word, one look. My hope and aim are to preserve this love, not to fall from it – for which I trust to God, who procured it for me, and doubtless can preserve it. Enough now, my dearest own Ba! You have given me the highest, completest proof of love that ever one human being gave another. I am all gratitude – and all pride . . . that my life has been so crowned by you.

See you in March x

Love Letters – Series

IMG_20151021_123901As cliché as it sounds, I will be posting up a series of love letters. I am an emotional wreck for letters. I enjoy writing letters. Any kind of letters. Handwritten letters are still the best. I am most especially fond of love letters that you write without expecting a reply from the recipient because they are long gone. Letters we write that we don’t intend to send because we are too scared or afraid of the reply we will get.

I have been reading a lot of this letters lately and it’s inspired me to start this series. I’m on a quest on finding letters like this. This month, here’s my favourite letter. Hope you enjoy! X

Dear Delia,

Hello again. I didn’t say much last time I saw you. Sorry about that. Those words were all my jealous heart could bear. I’m going to manage a few more here. This doesn’t need a reply, I should stress. It’s a gesture from me, to you, because I can’t leave things the way they ended. First of all, I miss you. My God, do I miss you. Like the colour’s leached out of the film. I am sick and tired and bored and sad about walking into rooms that don’t have Delia in , but it looks like I’ll have to get used to that happening for the rest of my life. Secondly, I’m in love with you. Did you know I fell in love with you? Probably not. I didn’t exactly give off strong and consistent ‘I’m in love with you’ signals. And you thought I was only after something casual. I don’t blame you for thinking that, given who I was before I met you. I wasn’t. I already knew I was head over heels and trying to work out how best to let you know how serious I was, without completely freaking you out with the extent of my adoration. I mean, take things I’d always thought weren’t for me: marriage, babies, domesticity . Add ‘with Delia’ to the equation and suddenly they looked incredibly appealing. I finally got it. All those times laughing at people who told me when The One turned up, I’d just know, then there you were, and I did. I wanted arguments over shelving units in Ikea, Christmas dinner in paper hats with your parents, Boxing Day playing video games with Ralph, and our names to always be used as a pair. (Like Hepburn and Tracy. Or Cannon and Ball.) Also, while I’m not making it a competition – I’d never sleep with another woman behind your back. (I’m making it a competition.) Once you told me you were leaving for Paul, I thought, why admit any of this? Why wound my pride further? Then I realised, it does matter. You should know how much feeling you inspired, and I should have the courage to tell you. Even when there’s no hope of it changing anything. Even when it wasn’t mutual. None of this is intended to, or should, make you feel guilty, by the way. You can no more help who you’re in love with than I can. Part of me wishes so hard I’d said this to your face, in the hope it might’ve changed things. I thought it was too soon. I was going to try to get away with mumbling a lot of it in the darkness at three in the morning, further along the line. But there was no further along the line, and I think deep down I always knew there wouldn’t be. Dearest, wonderful, best, funniest Delia, with that lovely voice I’ll never hear again – goodbye. I will always be a little bit lonelier without you. Please take care of yourself, so I can think of you happy . And if he ever makes you sad again, I will feed him ladlefuls of his own boiling blood.

Adam x

Year in Review: 2015

The year is not over and I’m already writing my review. A voice in my head keeps telling me quietly not to give up on the year yet. But the louder voice. The one I listen to. The one that made all the decisions in 2015 says I should ignore that little voice. It can’t get better than this.

2015 was meant to be the year I found me. I found you. I found us.

Timecheck: October 2015.
There’s no me. There’s no you. There’s no us.

The year started off TOO well. 1st of January 2015. It reminds me of an amateur athlete who started off a 10k marathon fullspeed. 3k in the marathon, falls down and passes out. Doesn’t finish the race.

That was my 2015. Thank you.

” words can’t be good enough for a lot of things.”

RGND

My thoughts on: Feelings

Feelings are words with emotions. If you know better you would choose them wisely. Sometimes they slip out and are scattered everywhere like little balls of pearls from your favourite necklace. You struggle to keep them in place and not lose any to the spinning roller coaster called ‘life’.

Feelings are unfathomable stories you were told as a child. The tooth fairy that steals your tooth and gives you money. You never understand why; but you fix your face with a few movements of muscles and show the necessary reply.

Feelings are what my grandad used to warn me about. He’d say “first comes feelings and then comes boys and you are a teenager “. You trying to understand and get a hold of your feelings as you grow older; is like trying to remember tomorrow.

 “You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness “

RGND

Goodbye

Leaving people behind can be hard. It sometimes comes with a feeling of relief but other times you get an achy feeling in the heart. The only remedy to dealing with the pain is not to leave; rather let them leave. Long enough, people always leave because it starts to feel awkward.

If you’re like me, I’d rather be left than leave. 2014 left me. I’m not relieved neither am I aching but I’m reviewing. What could I have done differently? How did I get here? What happened to us? Who am I? Who are you? Where are you? These are questions I kept asking myself as I watched 2014 leave me with the final words “to live you have to leave and be left”

Here’s my review of 2014

● Family

● Relationship

● Breakup

● Progress

● Loss

● Surprises

● Differences

● Friendship

● Forgiveness

● Desperate

● Mistakes

And above all “Acceptance”. I accepted the things I couldn’t change and changed the things I could. Every goodbye begins with a good.

Love,

RGND